Check out 50 Hilarious Quotes today.
50 Best Hilarious Quotes
1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg
2. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
3. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” – Shelley Darlingson
4. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
5. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Anonymous
6. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
7. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” – Merkin
8. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright
9. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
10. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.’ – Lt. Frank Drebin
11. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel
12. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete
13. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman
14. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain
15. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
16. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors
17. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry
18. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” – Sheldon Cooper
19. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
20. “I never forget a face-but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
21. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – Wanda
22. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
23. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
24.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
25. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
26. “My mother always used to say The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose
27. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
28. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” – Anonymous
29. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” – Elise
30. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
See also:
Encouraging Quotes | Hate Quotes | Adventure Quotes | Book Quotes | Sports Quotes | Change Quotes | Best Friend Quotes | Opportunity Quotes | Friendship Quotes
31. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck
32. “Woke up today. It was terrible.” – Grumpy Cat
33. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.” – Anonymous
34. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
35. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
36. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
37. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
38. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
39. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” – Anonymous
40. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” – Mortimer Brewster
41. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” – Frank Semyon
42. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” – Surgeon
43. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres
44. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Anonymous
45. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher
46. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher
47. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
48. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
49. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” – Anonymous
50. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
Thanks for checking out the best Hilarious Quotes. Feel free to share the quotes with your friends. Leave a comment below and which are your favourite Hilarious Quotes ?
See also:
Moving On Quotes | Meditation Quotes | Uplifting Quotes | Self Love Quotes | Hard Times Quotes | Disappointment Quotes | Determination Quotes | Tough Times Quotes
You can find us at – Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | Pinterest | Twitter