Check out 30 John Mulaney Quotes today.
30 Best John Mulaney Quotes
1. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.” – John Mulaney
2. “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.” – John Mulaney
3. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.” – John Mulaney
4. “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” – John Mulaney
5. “According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything.” – John Mulaney
6. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – John Mulaney
7. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.” – John Mulaney
8. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.” – John Mulaney
9. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’” – John Mulaney
10. “You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” – John Mulaney
11. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.” – John Mulaney
12. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” – John Mulaney
13. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” – John Mulaney
14. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.” – John Mulaney
15. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.” – John Mulaney
16. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” – John Mulaney
17. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.” – John Mulaney
18. “You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.” – John Mulaney
19. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.” – John Mulaney
20. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.” – John Mulaney
21. “I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.” – John Mulaney
22. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.” – John Mulaney
23. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.” – John Mulaney
24. “And then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.” – John Mulaney
25. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.” – John Mulaney
26. “I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.” – John Mulaney
27. “College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?” – John Mulaney
28. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.” – John Mulaney
29. “I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die?” – John Mulaney
30. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.” – John Mulaney
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